Mother's Day

Today I have completely avoided all of the work I am supposed to do.  I didn't clean anything or go grocery shopping or go to school to get ready for the week.  Instead, I went to the library with the kids, did a little needless shopping, and then came home and hung out.  I spent time on the deck, reading and watching the kids jump on the trampoline.  I spent time talking with my amazing husband, real talking, not just about what we need to do next.

And I had this conversation with Ellie:

Ellie: It's weird that I'm cleaning up in the kitchen and you're sitting there eating m&ms.

Me:  Why is that weird?  I think it's great.

Ellie:  Well, cleaning the kitchen is your job.

Me:  No it's not!

Ellie:  You always do it!  It's like, your hobby.

Too true.  I do spend a lot of my free time cleaning up in the kitchen.  It is the only room in the house that actually feels clean when I finish cleaning it, plus I can look like I'm doing something essential while I'm really listening to audiobooks.

Time to go back outside and enjoy the sun.  Today has been my real mother's day, even though the official one is tomorrow.  Yee-haw!

New Classroom

Ugh. I'm trying so hard to get the new music classroom set up. Why oh why am I so bad at this? There are many people in the world who tell me that I am a good music teacher. So why do I feel so bad? The old feelings of self-doubt don't seem to go anywhere, they just change shape as I get older. I am praying that I can get through this summer and then the first year at this school successfully, or at least intact.

Today, my good friend Jen Demarest came over to help. She is SO AWESOME!!! Her brain, unlike mine, can process numerous things at once, and she can look at a whole room and see exactly what needs to be done in what order. Jen is also a wicked good worker, so once she sees what needs to be done, she does it. I feel no jealousy about this, just pride and a small amount of guilt that I am so willing to exploit her.

Due to her assistance, I now know that I have several tasks ahead of me, but if I start writing them here, it will turn into a boring to-do list. Don't do it, Katie, put them on the legal pad!

My children are getting old. I have been realizing lately that whatever future date I am waiting for - the date when they are old enough that I can be alone and read books all by myself and not have to talk to anyone for a few days - will most likely come when my children are out of the house. Maybe not, maybe that is just what it feels like. At any rate, I'm realizing that I need to ENJOY these people Todd and I created, not just get through the day with them.

They are pretty amazing. Every once in a while I think "how on earth did they turn out so terrific?!?" It seems unlikely that it has anything to do with me, since all the ways I thought I'd be a good mom, I'm not. They are just cool people. So I need to stop trying to escape the endless care-taking of these incredible individuals and just enjoy their presence, since they'll be gone before I know it. I see my mom, in her retirement, missing the feeling of importance that comes with people needing you for something. She has said that she "preferred being in the center of things." Well, I am certainly in the center of many things right now, and as overwhelming as that is, I'm determined to experience it as fully as I can stand!

Off to bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll get some more work done, and be one step closer to being READY. Goodnight.

What a ridiculous year this has been. When I say year, I mean, of course, school year. I guess there must be people who think in terms of actual years, but in my world, school year is king.

I'm not going to bother catching up on why this year has been so crazy and hard; suffice it to say that it has. Change is good, but it doesn't feel good. We're still changing. Today is Easter. I'm pseudo-Jewish, so that doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot to me, but it does mean that we spent the weekend with my Mom and Kathy at the Lake House. It was fun in terms of Easter, but crappy in terms of my marriage. Todd and I have enough trouble connecting now that we have three kids, full-time jobs, a new house, and I have an hour-long commute in each direction (remember what I said about change?), and spending a weekend with my family just didn't help. How can I love them so much, and Todd love them so much, and have the combination get so miserable? Todd loves my family, and even really truly likes them, but spending time with them, especially at the lake house, turns him into an exhausted, cranky jerk. To me, anyway. You know how your husband looks normal to everyone else, but you can see that, underneath the normalcy, he is an asshole?

I feel guilty writing those words, but there it is! That was my weekend. I'm a super-lucky woman, because I only feel that way about Todd once every couple of years. He insists that he never gets angry with me, but I think that's impossible. I mean, I live with myself, I know exactly how annoying I am. Very.

The beauty of marriage is knowing that I can be as pissed off at him as I was this weekend, love him anyway, and know that no one is going anywhere. Here's hoping for a better year next year!

Big Bowl Bread Baking

I have a new goal: I want to bake all the bread my family uses. Okay, not ALL of the bread, not the tortillas or pitas or bagels. Just the regular, sandwich type bread that we use for everyday things. I have been baking this bread for about a month now and am getting pretty good at it!

Then, about two weeks ago, I made a purchase that has completely changed my view of bread-baking. I bought a REALLY BIG BOWL from the restaurant supply store. This bowl is huge. It is stainless steel. It rocks my world. In this huge bowl, I can mix up four loaves worth of dough, knead it right in the bowl on the floor, thus eliminating that awful counter scrubbing that happens when you bake bread, and let the dough rise right in the bowl. Afterwards, I balance the bowl over my sink (yes, it is too big to fit in the sink) and fill it with water. After soaking for a few minutes, I can wipe it out with a washcloth and clean it. This bowl makes me really, really happy.

Matzoball Tears

I have three children. This past spring, while pregnant with my third and last, I was still working as a music teacher in Horseheads, New York. Although I was excited about having a third child, I also felt a bit nervous. I loved my first two children, Ellie and Max, loved my husband, Todd, and loved my job. Would I be able to be a good mother to three children? Would I be able to handle being a stay-at-home mom again after two and a half years back at work? Would this third child have something wrong with it? Would I love it? Our family was already pretty terrific, why did I want to mess around with something good?

Of course, I can write this now. At the time, I smiled and talked about due dates and hospital stays and long-term substitutes. I had no idea how worried I was! When my favorite choir threw me a surprise baby shower during the last week of school, I laughed and hugged them all, opening every present gleefully.

"We were expecting tears," said one girl, looking at me sideways.

"I don't cry," I said. "Well, only at inappropriate times."

This is true! I can never cry when I am supposed to, when I hear an sad story or have to say goodbye to someone I love. Instead, I cry when I am most angry at Todd, or if I have to drive too long when I'm tired.

After the last day of work before the baby was due (a day absent of tears, even when my colleagues arranged a goodbye party and hugged me for the last time), I set about getting the house ready for my parents. My mom and other-mom, Kathy, were coming up to take care of the kids during the hospital stay. Since I knew ahead of time that I was going to have a c-section, I'd asked for them to stay for two weeks. The house was cleaned, laundry was done. Soon the day came when my parents would arrive. I decided to make matzoball soup for dinner (yes, this is the story behind the name of this blog). As I rolled the matzoballs, tears started pouring. I sniffed and sobbed quietly, rolling the matzoballs and dropping them in boiling water to cook. I had no idea why I was crying! I managed to stop in order to get dinner ready, trying to figure out where the tears had come from. Half an hour later, the matzoballs cooked and ready to put in the soup, I heard my Mom and Kathy pull into the driveway. Instantly I ran into the bathroom and started wailing again. I waited and waited, but the tears wouldn't stop this time. Finally, I came out of the bathroom to see Mom, who hugged me, but obviously thought I was crazy.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

And finally, I knew. "You're here," I sobbed. "That means I have to have a baby now."

So, here I am, writing this story, and hoping that by starting a blog, I will be able to write moments down as they happen, and not be left to figure things out at the very last minute. For the record, the baby was a beautiful girl, Norah. She is perfect in every way, just like Ellie and Max. She's a keeper.