New Classroom

Ugh. I'm trying so hard to get the new music classroom set up. Why oh why am I so bad at this? There are many people in the world who tell me that I am a good music teacher. So why do I feel so bad? The old feelings of self-doubt don't seem to go anywhere, they just change shape as I get older. I am praying that I can get through this summer and then the first year at this school successfully, or at least intact.

Today, my good friend Jen Demarest came over to help. She is SO AWESOME!!! Her brain, unlike mine, can process numerous things at once, and she can look at a whole room and see exactly what needs to be done in what order. Jen is also a wicked good worker, so once she sees what needs to be done, she does it. I feel no jealousy about this, just pride and a small amount of guilt that I am so willing to exploit her.

Due to her assistance, I now know that I have several tasks ahead of me, but if I start writing them here, it will turn into a boring to-do list. Don't do it, Katie, put them on the legal pad!

My children are getting old. I have been realizing lately that whatever future date I am waiting for - the date when they are old enough that I can be alone and read books all by myself and not have to talk to anyone for a few days - will most likely come when my children are out of the house. Maybe not, maybe that is just what it feels like. At any rate, I'm realizing that I need to ENJOY these people Todd and I created, not just get through the day with them.

They are pretty amazing. Every once in a while I think "how on earth did they turn out so terrific?!?" It seems unlikely that it has anything to do with me, since all the ways I thought I'd be a good mom, I'm not. They are just cool people. So I need to stop trying to escape the endless care-taking of these incredible individuals and just enjoy their presence, since they'll be gone before I know it. I see my mom, in her retirement, missing the feeling of importance that comes with people needing you for something. She has said that she "preferred being in the center of things." Well, I am certainly in the center of many things right now, and as overwhelming as that is, I'm determined to experience it as fully as I can stand!

Off to bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll get some more work done, and be one step closer to being READY. Goodnight.

What a ridiculous year this has been. When I say year, I mean, of course, school year. I guess there must be people who think in terms of actual years, but in my world, school year is king.

I'm not going to bother catching up on why this year has been so crazy and hard; suffice it to say that it has. Change is good, but it doesn't feel good. We're still changing. Today is Easter. I'm pseudo-Jewish, so that doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot to me, but it does mean that we spent the weekend with my Mom and Kathy at the Lake House. It was fun in terms of Easter, but crappy in terms of my marriage. Todd and I have enough trouble connecting now that we have three kids, full-time jobs, a new house, and I have an hour-long commute in each direction (remember what I said about change?), and spending a weekend with my family just didn't help. How can I love them so much, and Todd love them so much, and have the combination get so miserable? Todd loves my family, and even really truly likes them, but spending time with them, especially at the lake house, turns him into an exhausted, cranky jerk. To me, anyway. You know how your husband looks normal to everyone else, but you can see that, underneath the normalcy, he is an asshole?

I feel guilty writing those words, but there it is! That was my weekend. I'm a super-lucky woman, because I only feel that way about Todd once every couple of years. He insists that he never gets angry with me, but I think that's impossible. I mean, I live with myself, I know exactly how annoying I am. Very.

The beauty of marriage is knowing that I can be as pissed off at him as I was this weekend, love him anyway, and know that no one is going anywhere. Here's hoping for a better year next year!